Diary of a Daydreamer...

So today

I was checking all the people’s pages from the “submit yourself” page; the one where people say if you add them, they’ll add you.

I added the page a while ago, in attempts to get people to read my stuff I guess, but geeze man, I’m upset.

I know I’m still new to this Tumblr thing, but their pages were really nice, and all advanced looking.

All I do is writing. That’s all I really want, it’s what I love. But man, I want a pretty page too = (

Can somebody help me?

so this is what “real life” feels like?

Slowly the possibility of being in love, or should I say – “the daydream”,  is becoming a bore. No longer do I hug my pillows for hours in the mornings before getting out of bed, daydreaming up my own love life.

idk why exactly? I have possible assumptions, but nothing really.

Maybe I am tired of dreaming. I could do something far better with my time,

. . like get a life or something.

Maybe I am just too much of realist, or too taken in by the harsh realities I see in the world when people are “in love”.

Some of which are the inevitable conclusions, people think are solutions like:

- breaking up, “being friends”, yet still having sex —->????

stupid people; I never had sex, so I can’t judge, but if you keep doing it, doesn’t that make you get more attached?

-  Boys staying with girls they know they aren’t ready to commit to..still trying to hook up with girls on the side.

- Perfect relationship, a couple misunderstandings. Back and forth arguing, Progress = 0 love gone forever.

- Etc. etc. etc.

WTF. It’s weird but sometimes I daydream breakups too.

So is it that society’s’ so screwed up…

that I can’t even MAKE-BELIEVE 2 people can be together and be happy forever

are happy endings not a part of Loves’ deal

must I combine heartache with the joy,

just to make it seem more real.

or am I just my own worst enemy?

idk.

I prayed God would help me stop daydreaming so much, help me focus on my everyday life - on REAL LIFE. I didn’t know it’d be such a bummer. I know daydreaming is hazardous to my health, but it’s my only high and I feel, now, I need dreaming to feel alive.

I’m not living if I’m not dreaming.

But somehow, that quote goes both ways, because when I’m dreaming I’m not living (figuratively speaking). It’s as if I don’t feel like I need to.

I read this book the other day and the girl said something about how her grandmother was always praying prayers aloud, about random things, and she said that she knew half of them wouldn’t get answered because she believed God picked and chose which prayers to answer. And so she said she only prayed for one thing, that way God couldn’t pick and choose; he had to give her what she asked.

So I thought it was kind of weird but took into consideration that it just may be true. So anyway, the point I’m trying to make is maybe God answered this prayer for a reason. Having thought about it now I kind of, sort of, REALLY, wish I hadn’t prayed for this; the level of inadequacy I feel is almost unbearable.

I swear sometimes I honestly believe “Life sucks, and then you die”.

We get the opposite of what we want, just so that we can learn something to do something we need to do for the “greater good”. Happiness is transient and dreams are just that. Ugh. Life is so bittersweet.

I Feel Like Bloggin.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who has felt I am always in the wrong place or with the wrong people.

Only time I feel comfortable is when I am around good people, like FCA!

(Fellowship of Christian Athletes) this club I am in at my school.

 . . & when I don’t feel comfortable, I dream. I Dream of a place where I do feel comfortable, where everything goes my way, and I take more chances. Sometimes I wonder if I am the source of my own unhappiness.

Anyway, in the world, on this earth, I feel alone.

Unsafe

like something is wrong with me.

it’s like a never-ending discontentment or loneliness. I am forever on the outside looking in; they do not see me, but I see them; trying to find me, I watch them closely.

who am in this world?

I always feel like a stranger even to myself.  It is so damn weird.  It’s like I don’t really know who I am, and that messes [Everything] up. I am always trying to find ways to fit myself in somewhere based off what I see in the world, like people, jobs, clicks etc.

Like I love to observe and get to know people, and I always try to match the qualities; thinking about it now, it seems like I want to see ME in someone else.

idk why.

Maybe I want to understand them, and share stories.

However, it never works out that way.

It’s like I can’t accept the fact that I am not like anything I’ve seen or people I’ve met because sometimes I don’t know that it’s truly me I’m being, or if it’s just become the “me” that is easy to be.

It’s as if my personality was circumstantial or something?

I cannot explain it.

Sometimes I feel people can look at me or just anybody and see the truth, so I ask them what they see in me!

I always get good feedback; minus some minor comments about how I think entirely too much and am a pessimist at times, they all say I am great. ( =

But whatever. I have been thinking lately, wondering if I am the person, I need to be for God. That is the reason I live. Even a simple hairstyle changes things like your personal style and ora. I want to be who I am, who I am purpose to being in every way imaginable. Maybe details do not matter and I only believe they do.

idk

I am not a real beautiful girl, the one that all the guys want.

I am not like the girl from Juno.

I am not the fly dressing, or down to earth chick everyone thinks is cool.

I am not dirty or stuck up.

I am not one of the very nice and friendly girls’ boys pay no attention to.

I am not the quiet girl that gets good grades.

I am not the friend you call when you want to have fun.

All the things I know I am not,

still, I do not know who I am, for sure. I am such a mystery even to myself. It really pisses me off. I don’t like being this way, and I know that it’s wrong, it’s the way most people are, only difference is I don’t pursue trying to fit in, because I don’t believe in genuine imitation, I just wonder where I would fit in.

However, I do not fit anywhere.  I honestly think if everyone were to be themselves, they would find that they don’t either. Therefore, I am going to change this about myself; the horrible thinking that society has molded my mind into accepting and then try to spread the word the others! (=

There is this part in Benjamin Button that really inspired me (cheesy I know), but it said, “I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

It’s like as much as I understood and valued individuality, somehow I still feel inadequate and unbalanced.

However, I know no one can ever be the YOU that you can be. No one can do things the way YOU can. Everyone is special and different in some way. We have all had different experiences, circumstances, and lessons in our lives that make us up to think and act the way we choose.

God I feel so elementary typing this, like it’s not common sense or something, but somehow, still, we all forget it.

I know I do.

Be YOU, because nobody else can.

I finally realize, I was wrong for clinging to classification when I understand that in order to be a decent person I cannot be all one thing, or “make sense” of everything I am, no matter how contradictory.

I am just me

that simple and that complicated.

( :

Sometimes we need to put our busy lives on

HOLD,

Pat our heads

& dance around.